I am much more than a decent man. Yet those simple souls wandering about carefree in their positivity without circumspection, as certain of their moral options as up vs. down, north vs. south, dog vs. cat, their failure to consider my daily dilemmas confounds me.

When I do encounter a creature on the street, say a cat mewling hungrily or a homeless clamoring for change, I see in their fuzzy and/or wretched faces the distinct chaos disfiguring our existence. If it were a just world, would the cat not have been born full, would the bum not inhabit a palace? With such puzzles puzzling me, I invariably deposit the cat in the nearest sewer and take the change from the homeless. I do not do this to out of rude spite but a sincere wish to see order restored to our defalcated reality. For mark me, such tawdry distractions as these have bankrupted our society.

When I am invited to the birthday of a friend or relation, I do my best to arrive early and leave early, with all presents clutched under my arms. Without knowledge of what these newfound gifts could be, how on Earth could a man rightfully miss them? And as it is not my birthday, such presents are ten times as surprising when I unwrap them at my leisure. To watch another slowly accumulate new wealth would only fill my heart with grief, and if the center of everyone’s attention is too trusting to dispatch a guardian to watch over these gaudy boxes, I have taught him a salient lesson about how trustworthy his trust is.

I litter all the time, because garbage bins are usually too far away. (I purchase items legally when I cannot obtain them otherwise.) If I were to drag a bin around with me, I should have no excuse but to make some deposit, but that would be frightfully inconvenient. My finest meals are often stolen from nursing homes, or as I think of them collections of human litter in a bin with unlocked doors. As a human being I think it’s safe to say that my judgment overrules esoteric machines; therefore I do not stop at red lights. I am alive and I will make no excuse for that, and certainly not to things, inanimate or otherwise, that would disagree with me.

It is this pioneering spirit that has lifted me to the pinnacle of human achievement, and I daresay the rest of you should admire what I’ve accomplished rather than ask me to step down and concern myself with this karma all of your yoga teachers keep telling you about. I’ve never taken a yoga class in my life and I am as flexible as I ever intend to be.